Luc Besson: Otzi and his slightly-too-young female companion travel to a distant place, where they are transported to a city in the stars. They must defeat the alien boss before time runs out and all life is extinguished.

Ridley Scott: In a dystopian future, Otzi is tormented by the question of what makes a human, human. He climbs around increasingly dark and complex buildings, none of which are welcoming to him and his female companion. After release, director Scott insists on having various director's cuts presented to the public every few years, each time claiming that this is his actual vision.

Sergio Leone: Otzi rides across the bleak Ice Age landscape, living by a code he never divulges. He dispenses justice with a bow. Killer score by Enrico Morricone.

Werner Herzog: Films himself filming Otzi's story in the whiteout conditions of Antarctica. Otzi is actually killed on film, but the audience only hears him yelling for help.

James Cameron: Otzi is revived, and he tells his saviors about a the horrific aliens that drove him into the snow. Naturally they want to weaponize these aliens, so they go back in time to find out that they are being shipped on the Titanic.

Quentin Tarantino: Otzi drives his badass, bitchin' 79 Firebird with the 4bbl carb, 55 engine, dual exhaust and sound system that can blast enemies off mammoths. Oh wait--that was MY car. Point still stands, though. With Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta.