Katherine Reece Wrote:
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> Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No kidding!
> Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
That seems a little extreme...
> Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be
> Belted
I'm sure school bus drivers everywhere agree!
> Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
That must be a tight fit.
> Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
The family that sticks together...
> Farmer Bill Dies in House
As opposed to the cornfield
> Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Trunk and legs are next on the list.
> Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Is that legal?
> British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Must be pretty stale by now.
> Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
I didn't know mushrooms had sexes.
> Eye Drops Off Shelf
They should have put it in a box
> Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
A return to old fashioned discipline?
> Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
By his opponents of course.
> Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
If a dog needs help to bite he's in real trouble.
> Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Must have been a funny looking club.
> Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
We must disarm dairy animals!
> Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
I'd say that was a safe bet.
> Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Even for double time?
> Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
No, kids, first you convict him - then you shoot him.
> Stolen Painting Found by Tree
A public spirited oak no doubt.
> Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
I'm very sorry to hear that - I presume it will be a burial at sea?
> Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout
> Counter
I've been in lines like that.
> Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10
> Years
He has more than one life to give.
> War Dims Hope for Peace
It does that.
> If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a
> While
A safe bet!
> Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
No! you don't say.
> Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Presumably they're waiting for a ruling on whether the victims were human.
> Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
I believe that. Sticky stuff.
> Deer Kill 17,000
Wow those are some dangerous deer.
> Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Well naturally.
> Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon
I wonder what it has to say.
> Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Surely that's double jeopardy!
> New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Of course.
> Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
It was something he ate.
> Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
I'll keep that in mind the next time my cousin's kids visit.
> Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Well that can't feed many.
> Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Isn't that cruel and unusual?
> British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Check Middle Earth
> Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
I should hope so! Peace of the grave and all that.
> Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
What were they doing up there in the first place.
> Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
That seems a little extreme...
> New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Oh dear!
> Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing
Was that the motive?
> Air Head Fired
Excellent!
> Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Ouch - that's gotta hurt.
> Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One
Children can be annoying.
> Man Steals Clock, Faces Time
Darn right!
> Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
How embarrassing for her !
> Never Withhold Herpes from Loved One
!!!!
> Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency
It would.
> Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
I think they got a little mixed up here.
> Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden
Manure is good too.
> Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
Okay....
> Man is Fatally Slain
They usually are.
> Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Shhhhh!
> Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let's Resolve to do
> Better
There is always room for improvement.
> Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
None of your business.
